here i am. the last blog from spain. to quote almost the most cliche saying ever, “what a crazy ride it’s been.” it really has though. i have such a weird feeling right now. it’s a little bit of sadness but almost a little bit of nervousness? i’m not really sure what it is. it’s 4 am and my bus leaves at 6. i have to pack my carry on yet; it’ll mainly be throwing things in my backpack. i also need to shower since i spent the night out with all the other americans. i’m not insanely sad. i didn’t start to cry when i had to say goodbye to luna and paula, much less all to the other americans. i sort of want to though. i think it would feel good to get it out of my system. i remember the last days before january 5th, when my flight brought me here. they were pretty bad. there’s always so much tension before a big life moment, like leaving for a new country for so many months. colleen and i tried so hard to just enjoy what little time we had left together but it’s so hard when such a huge thing is looming right in front of you. and right now it should be the opposite right? i should be just ecstatic about returning. and without a doubt, i am beyond excited. but there’s an extra layer which i wasn’t expecting.
i feel this whole trip has been spent with my eyes constantly checking my watch. i’ve been wanting this day, this hour to come for so long. i’ve wanted to return to normalcy, to dollars and cents, to fountain pop and my girlfriend and my job and my guitars and everything that’s home to me. i never ever expected that my brain or my heart would make this place their home. and they kind of have. i walked my route from campus to my apartment today for the last time and it was so weird thinking i’d never make that walk again. this country, this city, has embedded itself more deeply in my consciousness than i was expecting, and it’s just crazy to think of leaving it. while i spent so much time looking ahead, looking forward to these last few hours of packing and getting ready, my heart was convincing itself that it had to get used to this sort of living cause it was all i was gonna know for so long. and it worked. i managed to get used to this place, these streets, these shops and the food and all of it. so much so that leaving it feels foreign. five months ends up being enough time for you to forget just enough of your home that returning to it seems foreign. that’s a hard thing to reconcile yourself to.
i’ve kind of been stuck on this decently depressing thought that i’ve been to places and seen things that i know i will never be at or see again in my lifetime. tonight i’ve kind of been stuck on a counterpart to that thought. i’ve met people here that i will never see again. such a weird and sad thing to know that people exist who fit you so well, that you get along with and everything just clicks. you enjoy their company and enjoy learning new things from them and sharing your passions with. yet to know that there are so many people like that who you might never meet, or people you’ve discovered, and for such a short time enjoyed their presence, their friendship, and realize you are about to lose it. it makes me sad. it’s not like i met my best friends here or anything but i met people who i enjoyed, people i found funny, people who taught me things. five months is plenty of time to forge new relationships and it happened. that just added to the new kind of normalcy i found here in spain. my heart made these streets my home, these classrooms and this bed and all of it, my new home. and even so much more so because i found new friends. new people to grow close to and care for. and it added to my new sense of home here.
and now i’m leaving. it’s now 4:29 in the morning and my bus leaves in just over an hour and a half. the plane will be such a relief from all this. this is just the hard part again before leaving; it’s just harder cause i was naive enough to think it wouldn’t hit me like this. i’ll be sleeping soon enough, which will be a blessing. i feel a solid seven hours of sleep on a plane will do this heartache some good.
thanks spain. you’ve been good to me. i hope we see each other again soon.
edited at 10:53 am:
what a bunch of malarkey i just wrote. i’m sitting in the madrid airport; i am PSYCHED. i cannot wait to get on my next plane and sleeeeeep. and after that i’ll be home. real home, not fake/expensive/no girlfriend/no guitars/no mt. dew home. i’m excited. the sadness has passed and now it’s just excitement (for some reason that does not sound like a word to me right now) and tiredness. 8 more hours. holler.